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How the affair started
When I started having an affair, I had been married to Sam for only three years. I did not plan for it to happen. It just happened, and lasted way more than it I thought possible. The sex was good, and for a very short time I thought I was actually in love with this other man. In the heat of that moment, I thought it was the right thing to do. Sam and I had since lost the spark in our relationship following the birth of our firstborn and his new promotion at work. Being with the other guy made me feel wanted and satisfied me sexually. I convinced myself that it was the only way my marriage would work since I was not bold enough to talk to my husband about how I felt.
The Tell-tale Signs
In the three months during which I had the affair, Sam and I drifted apart gradually. In no time, our connection was no more. He complained sometimes, but didn’t push the matter. He felt that something was off in the way we related to each other. I would pretend that I didn’t know what he was complaining about. He said that I was aloof somehow. When we made love, it was more like a rote than a passionate activity, unlike before. It was then that I realized how badly my affair had ruined our relationship. I loved my husband, and I still do. I was not happy knowing the kind of secret I was keeping away from him. However, my fear of divorce prevented me from telling him about the affair.
His unhappiness grew gradually, but then started to become too much. So, I knew I had to come clean. I prepared beef and rice, which is my husband’s favorite meal. After dinner and tucking our son to bed, I joined Sam in the lounge. I confessed to the affair. Sam was stunned. I could see the pain in my husband’s eyes. His expressions portrayed betrayal, devastation and some disgust.
When he was done fuming, he gave me a look that I would never forget. I knew that look. What it represents is what I had feared most. It was a look of resignation, and of surrender, as if to say THAT’S IT, I’M DONE! But he didn’t say that. For a moment, I felt like I should have never told him, but I knew I had done the right thing. My husband asked a million questions. I must admit that most were hard to reply, but I did my best to answer them with utmost honesty. I, however, kept the unpleasant details.
Dealing with the fallout
I withstood Sam’s tirade because I knew I deserved it. I asked for his forgiveness. After an hour of ranting, he stormed out of the door. I was left there on the couch feeling empty and guilty. I could not help but sob all night long. Sam did not come home that night. I knew he needed space to digest what I had just told him, so I gave him space.
The next morning I went to the other guy’s house and broke it off. He is the type that has no qualms about having an affair with a married woman. I simply explained to him that I needed to save my marriage. I let him know that I had invested too much in my relationship with my husband to sacrifice it all on the alter of good sex. Still feeling vulnerable to him, I also made it clear that if he dared to contact me again, I would be forced to get restraining orders against him.
Patching up the cracks
Sam came home the next evening. After dinner, he asked to talk to me. Sam expressed his disappointment but said he was ready to forgive me. His main issue was that I didn’t trust him with my feelings which led to the affair. He argued that had I been open with my feelings, we could have worked the situation out and thus forestall the affair. That was the best news I had heard in a long time, so I was glad he was willing to reconcile. My husband was willing to work on our marriage under some conditions. I was to allow him access to my emails, cell phone, bank accounts, credit card statements and any websites I had subscribed to. No more surprises! Since we got married, these are not things he had been concerned with.
Opening up my life more
So, I knew he wanted to access them because of mistrust; for which I do not blame him. Now that I had left the other guy, I was willing to allow him what he asked for. I thus handed all the information he had asked for. I wanted to restore trust in our marriage whatever the cost.
We both knew that it would take long for Sam to trust me again. It was clear that it would require time. Although I knew that it would be difficult to forget the affair, I hoped and prayed that he would forgive me eventually. I was remorseful and willing to pay the price for straying. So, for the next few months, I made significant changes in my lifestyle with the aim of recovering my marriage. In any case, the sexual experiences from the affair had changed me in ways I can’t explain. Lets just say that I wasn’t as shy anymore. It also made me more aware of how precious my marriage is to me. I had to do everything needed to save my marriage.
Implementing lasting solutions
Firstly, I became open with my feelings as well as my day’s activities. Every time I left the house I told my husband exactly where I was headed to and when I would return. In case I felt that I would be late, I would call Sam and let him know of the changes. Slowly by slowly, our relationship improved. Sam devoted more time and attention to listen to whatever I had to say, and I rewarded that with more openness. Sam trusted me more, and we spent more time together.
What sex has to do with it
Secondly, I improved our bedroom relations. I decided to play the “cheating game” once more, but this time with my husband. We would sneek around the house and make love in odd places, while pretending not to want to get “caught”. It somehow revived our passion for each other. Sam now showed more passion in his love making. I was open about what I felt, and so did he.
At some point, we consulted a sexologist. In a few months, we were making love ever more passionately. We bonded in ways we have never before.
It has been two years since we renewed our marriage after the affair. Our relationship is stronger than before in very many ways. I am grateful for a second chance to be with the love of my life. This time around I will not waste my chance.1